The Asphalt Jungle: The Fable Guys

We car journalists are suckers for BMWs. Every model the Bavarian brand produces is an engineering masterwork, manna for driving enthusiasts, an internal-combustion mallet for pummeling comparison-test rivals into humiliated awe. Why even bother to conduct such tests? We'll choose the machine with the blue-and-white propeller on the nose every time. Right?

That's the cliche. And, indeed, there are some on this staff (I won't Brian Vance mention any names) who believe BMW can do no wrong. But the reality is this: BMW supremacy is a myth, one based in part on some historical validity but sustained in recent years largely by a single model, the 3 Series (okay, the new 1 Series seems strong, too). As for the rest of the lineup...where are the superstars? M5 sedan? A thrilling drive, yes, but in its most recent comparo (February 2007) a second-place finisher to the sweeter, sleeker Audi S6.

Other recent comparisons tell a similar tale. In our August 2007 issue alone, "all-conquering" BMW lost three times (Z4, X3 3.0si, even the twin-turbo version of our beloved 3 Series). Last month, BMW came up short twice (550i, new X6). We've slammed the outgoing X5 for being a small, overpriced SUV pretender (April 2005); our long-term 2005 X3 2.5i eventually creaked and groaned so badly I had to ask our fleet guru whether it had been in an accident (it hadn't); and the last time we comparison-tested BMW's 7 Series flagship (September 2004), the car tied for fifth out of five.

Clearly, we're all on the BMW payroll.

Part of the problem, of course, is iDrive. A few contrarians out there will tell you they've mastered BMW's cursor-actuated, multi-screened interface; hey, you can also stand on your fingertips while spinning dinner plates on your toes if you're willing to sweat it out in your garage for five years. For the rest of us, the iDrive controller remains such a poster child of frustration and feature-glut (do you really need an electronic menu to adjust the airflow from individual vents?), we simply can't heartily endorse a car-no matter how surgical its steering or smooth its inline-six-blemished by that glaring chrome iDrive mole.

Another BMW hurdle: The competition has upped its game. Look at the recent stuff from Nissan-the fabulous G37 sedan and FX50 crossover, to name just two. Fast, lean, far more user-friendly, and way cheaper than their BMW counterparts. The new Jag XF has BMW-worthy moves and a sensuousness the 5 Series simply can't match. The competition's premium sedans -- Benz S-Class, Maserati Quattroporte, Lexus LS -- are so compelling, in our last comparo we didn't even invite the dated, HAL 9000-plagued BMW 7 to play.

Then there are...the utter disasters. What, please tell me, is an X6? Why did BMW dilute its engineering resources to create a vehicle with no objective reason for being other than "the driver sits up high"? True, the X6 is uniquely styled and, judging by all the breathless questions I fielded while driving around L.A., there are tons of people interested in it (then again, tons of people also buy Chuck Norris Total Gyms). Yet the X6 is also grotesquely heavy, too small to carry anything, compromised in back by that free-falling roofline, saddled with iDrive and a needlessly complicated shift lever, and absurdly expensive. Why would anyone with an IQ above "platypus" purchase an X6 over a 535xi Sport Wagon?

That BMW's engineers are gifted goes without saying. As German-born architect Mies van der Rohe once said, though, "Less is more." Also, "What is this big chrome mole here?"